My Best Story of All Time

In my junior year of college, starting in January of 1996, I studied abroad in London. I went with my friends John and Ted. In our third week, my friends and I went to experience something very American, the NFC Championship Game. That game was played between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys in a game the Cowboys would eventually win. (along with the Super Bowl two weeks later) Now, even though all three of us were from the Chicago area, John was a huge Dallas Cowboys fan. So huge in fact, John showed up at the bar in his Troy Aikman jersey. Now, since London is several hours ahead, the game didn't start till roughly 9:30 PM their time.

When we arrived at the bar, there was a contingent of Packers fans. It turns out many of them had gone to Boston College with the Packers tight end, Mark Chmura. Since John's loyalties were clear, and they were counter to much of the crowd, he made a "friendly" wager with one of the Packers fans. It was 20 pounds or about $30 dollars.

Now, as soon as the game began, so too did everyone begin drinking. Soon enough, both John and the Packers fans were quite inebriated. The game was close throughout and in doubt till about three minutes left in the fourth. Green Bay was driving down 24-14, and once their drive stalled, it was clear that the Cowboys were victorious.

At this point John, quite inebriated, attempted to collect his money. The problem was that the Packers fan had made his way into a side room, and when John attempted to enter the room he was told that it was by invitation only. Of course, this was peculiar since we both noticed Ted already in the room, though Ted always had a knack for snagging such invites. John called Ted over. He pointed out the Packers fan and told him to collect the money. Ted is about 6"5' 230 lbs. so collection just comes naturally. (John is short and stocky about 5"9' 180 lbs) Ted walked over to the guy and calmly said

My friend over there says you owe him 20 pounds and I'm here to collect

The guy responded in an obscenity laced tirade. Ted, calmly again responded,

I don't even know what you're talking about right now, all I know is you owe my friend 20 pounds and I'm here to collect

This was met with more obscenity and that turned into a shoving match and eventually the shoving match spilled outside of the backroom and into the main room of the bar. The bouncers broke it up and proceeded to kick Ted out. This was frankly purely ceremonial because by now it was near 1 AM which was closing time anyway.

We were about to head home when Ted suggested that we hang on the street for a minute. Within minutes, the guy walked out of the bar and began scouting the street until he spotted us. He was about 100 feet away when he first noticed us and he began walking toward us slowly picking up speed as he got closer.

When he reached Ted, he attempted a round house. (Of course, Ted wouldn't have been the one of the three of us I would have chosen to take a swing at) The problem for him was that he made such a big motion that he telegraphed his punch. Ted ducked out of the way and countered with a quick right. The fight was on however the guy didn't seem to learn his lesson. Four or five times, he came at Ted with telegraphed punches. Each and everytime, Ted ducked out of the way and countered with a quick punch. Finally, Ted simply caught the punch, countered and then jumped on top of the guy. He began wailing away at him with reckless abandon. By this point, a crowd had formed and several guys jumped in and broke the two up before this guy had serious damage done to him.

Several guys moved Ted up against a building and several other guys moved the guy by the curb, with a safe distance betweeen them. After a minute or so, the guy wrestled his way away from the guys holding him and went after Ted. The problem is that there were so many guys in front of Ted that when he went for a punch, he hit a gut several layers in front of Ted. Then, the momentum first took him forward and then backward. The momentum of the crowd eventually threw the guy to the ground.

At this moment, I saw my opportunity. While he was on the ground, I jumped on top of him and nailed him with three square punches on his cheek. I stood up and proclaimed to Ted

I got your back bro

Ted gave me a priceless dismissive look. Then, the guy stood up and looked like a battered fighter after 15 rounds. He was bleeding all over and looked as though his entire face was ready to swell up. With his face clearly showing which side had won this fight, the guy proceeded to call out Ted.

Let's go right now. I'll kck your a$$. Right now.

He blurted out the typical cattle calls for more fighting. Of course, I got the sense that the crowd was thinking the exact same thing I was. This wasn't going to work. In most fights, there is no clear winner, however this was NOT one of those fights. The guy might have come to the same realization as well. In the middle of his diatrobe, he stopped, froze for a few seconds, and then turned around and ran away, never to be heard from again.

The crowd congratulated Ted on a great victory, and then we all proceeded to disburse. Within minutes of our dispersal, we heard the sirens. A paddy wagon showed up. Three constables jumped out, and immediately pinned the three of us against the wall. As soon as this happened the crowd that had dispersed came running back, and they all screamed the same thing

it wasn't them it was the other guy

The constables restored order and assured the crowd that they were merely going to take statements. As the constable taking my statement was about to begin questioning me, I had an epiphany. I could tell the story nearly truthfully and it would look as though the other guy was the aggressor. All I had to do was leave out the part where Ted stuck around waiting for the guy and the rest of the story was truthful.

That's what I did, however I could overhear John, quite inebriated, blurting out

then he pulled out a knife

and I remember thinking

No John!! There's no knives in this story

Well, the constables compared notes and of course two stories sounded exactly the same and one had a knife. Now, something was rotten in Denmark. They called Ted over to go with them. Now, the crowd wanted blood and they were out with the proverbial pitchforks. They were screaming, pleading, and enraged. Then, Ted lifted his arm and dropped it slightly in a motion to quiet the crowd and the uncontrolled noise immediately turned to total silence. It was one of the greatest shows of power I'd ever witnessed.

Ted went with the three constables into the paddy wagon. Meanwhile, this eclectic crowd standing on a London street began spontaneously and in unison to chant

USA!! USA!! USA!!

Meanwhile, Ted is now in the paddywagon and in his left pocket is his passport which he used for ID. I should also mention that we lived at 31 Cleveland Square in London. The one constable asks

your name

without hesitation Ted Responds

Jim Miller

Jim was a friend of Ted's back home

The constable then says

All right Jim, and your address

...Ted responds

27 Cleveland Square

...the constable says

all right Jim, I have your name and your address, so if there is anymore trouble
I will know where to find you.

...Ted

no problem officer, you won't have any trouble from me

Ted was excused and he walked out of the paddy wagon to a fierce roar of

USA!! USA!! USA!!

The crowd finally dispersed. We all looked at each other and wondered seriously if it was time to go back home to Chicago because it would never get any better than this moment anyway. (we did decide to stick around for a few more months as originally planned)

As the crowd dispersed, there would be random folks that would get our attention and then scream

USA!! USA!! USA!!

That's my best story of all time.